What to do, what to do? Talking to Sean is just the sort of thing to get you wondering. The new Ryan uses the word 'sex' slightly less often than the old one did. That's an improvement of sorts. Good for me. I'm trying, and it's not the sort of thing that can be succeeded in. It's asymptotic.
I understand a little better now why Sean can't have a girlfriend. Or maybe I don't. I try is all. I try to understand. I understand loneliness, and that it doesn't go away when you get the girl. But you go on anyway, because, well, what else is there to do?
When I die I expect I'll feel nostalgic. I don't think I'll remember sitting here slightly bitter spouting all this bullshit. I imagine something really good will probably happen to me eventually, and that that will help to while away the last fleeting seconds of life. I hope so. Because all I feel now when I think of death is this terrible apprehension that I'm not at all prepared for it. Plato had Socrates say that philosophy was all about preparing for death.
Even though I don't really buy into it anymore, I keep thinking a girl would do me good. If nothing else, she could keep my mind off things I find myself always thinking about. Sometimes I don't even want a smart chick. Sometimes I just want my head in someone's lap. Just someone sort of tender, sort of kind, not bitter, not cynical, not pretentious; sad but optimistic, hurt but not damaged. Someone who doesn't have to be clever or cute to change my mind.
I'm being selfish. I want a girl who is a shelter to run to.
She packs up years in big black bags.
¶ reading: "Apologia Phonou Akousiou" - Antiphon, The Early History of Rome - Livy
¶ listening: "Go" - The Smashing Pumpkins, "Summerholiday Vs. Punkroutine" - Refused, "In Hiding" - Pearl Jam, "Snail" - The Smashing Pumpkins, "Classic Girl" - Jane's Addiction, "Jump" - Van Halen, "Where Did You Sleep Last Night" - Nirvana, "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" - REM
¶ comments:
May I expect more than I can give? Better yet, because I don't know, may I expect more than I am willing to give?
I don't very much want to fall in love with anybody for the rest of my life, though I think, at some point anyway, I probably will. Godhelpme. I do everything wrong. First, I love too much, then too little. I've been a romantic, and I've been a modern. I've believed and doubted, sinned and confessed, held close and at a distance, kissed and told. And no matter what I did, whatever side I took, whatever position I adopted, it was always wrong.
So instead of loving, I've backed away from it. I don't like it; it hurts. It is a noble thing to suffer into truth, but not all suffering is noble. That's the moral of the story. I learned it in books, not in life. I don't think love is about pain anymore, not like I used to. I think it can be wonderful. Not perfect. But close.
There's a commercial where a depressed blob rolls around and looks at all the other smiling blobs. He has a spotlight followng him around, because he feels like everyone is looking at him. Maybe it's just good advertising, but I identify very strongly with that poor blob. When I walk alone, I look at the ground two feet in front of me. I modulate my speed so as not to be close to any single person any longer than I must. Everything makes me sad, or angry.
I hate the beautiful women for being so far above me. I love them for being so beautiful. And I don't understand any of it.
¶ reading: "Apologia Phonou Akousiou" - Antiphon, "Keats' Sylvan Historian: Hiatory Without Footnotes" - Cleanth Brooks, A History of Ancient Israel and Judah - Miller & Hayes, The Book of Judges, Yvain, or the Knight with the Lion - Chretien de Troyes
¶ listening: "Dozer" - Lit, "Sixteen" - The Fuck You Ups, "Eye Of The Beholder" - Metallica, "Then She Did..." - Jane's Addiction, "Soma" - The Smashing Pumpkins, "Nothingman" - Pearl Jam, "Bitter" - Lit, "The Road To Nowhere" - Ozzy Osbourne
¶ watching: Gilmore Girls, That 70's Show¶ comments:
How do they get so damn pretty? They come walking by with their fair skin and dark hair and their clothes that just border on suggestive. I don't know exactly what they've got under there, but I'm fairly certain it's pretty. It makes no sense. I just cannot imagine what it's like to be so decidedly the object of everyone's curiosity as a beautiful woman is.
I guarantee I wonder what some particular girl would look like naked more times in a single day than the number of times anyone has wondered the same thing about me in my entire life. That's humbling. It's also kinda gross.
They walk by, and oftentimes I find myself thinking, "Naked, naked naked." Then I correct myself. I hold a "reality check." I tell myself, "Nope, not you, never a girl like that. Maybe a fat chick. A chick with no breasts. A girl who lies there like a dead fish." I spend a lot of time thinking about this. There's this girl on a shampoo commercial (she uses Suave over the salon brand); she has this reddish Donna Reed curl thing going on. She has a gorgeous smile. I don't even like smiles, but I like hers. I could love her very much I think. Also Kate Beckinsale. Yes indeed.
My taste in beautiful women is hardly at issue though. Hell, everybody likes a beautiful woman. "I am likely to settle for less," I tell myself, and I find it easy to accept. The more beautiful the woman, the harder the work to keep her satisfied, because clearly there are a lot of interested parties. It leaves me time for other things to settle for less or no one at all.
And yet I wonder. Because I see a face, a body moving beneath a veil, and I think to myself, "How wonderful would it be to wake up next to her for a while? Is it really possible that I could becomes used to her to the point that she looks ordinary?" At the same time though, I doubt that happiness is found in anything so straightforward as beauty. My intellectual response to it calls up Solomon's image: "chasing after the wind." Paris chose beauty over wisdom and over power, and we all know how that turned out.
But none of that changes my visceral reaction to the beautiful woman. She thrills me. I imagine her beside me - dark eyes, lips that tend towards a frown, a nose that points up ever so slightly at the end, graceful neck and arms, small, round breasts, a slim waist, nice legs, cute toes - and I'm sold. What is there better than that? Not a hell of a lot. Beside me! That is worth so much.
All I guess I've managed to say so far is that I enjoy looking at attractive women. I do. I really do. I appreciate beauty. A lot.
I went to Critical Strategies and learned some relatively dumbd down literary theory. I turned in my first journal. Lacey just kept on talking. Damn that place sucks.
Afterwards, I went over to EiEL. I was planning on letting everybody know I was leaving. But nobody was there who I answered to, so it didn't make any sense. There was a sticky note on an envelope by the computer, saying, "Next person to come in, deliver this." For old time's sake, I delivered the little package to T. Boyd Hall. Then I came back to the dorm and made a sandwich. Yum.
Next was history, which I like more than I did on Wednesday. When there are notes to take, and questions to answer, it's not really half bad. Finally, I had Arthurian Lit, which did little to make me like my classmates more, but gave me some hope that the works themselves were worth studying. In fact, Yvain, the poem I'm reading tonight, is pretty damn good.
I had some Oreos for a snack back here, then worked for several hours on readings and homework. I took a break around 7, and watched half of a democratic debate. It wasn't as good as the last one, and I'd have to say I'd pick Al Sharpton as the clear winner this time around. I ate clam chowder and a turkey sandwich while I watched and laughed and laughed and laughed.
After that I finished my Greek translation and started working on this entry. Tomorrow I get to look forward to another day of commenting in PHIL-1001, and finding out if Robyn is in my Roman Civ class, and listening to philosophy losers be stupid. Damn.
¶ reading: Texts and Contexts - Steven Lynn, A History of Ancient Israel and Judah - Miller & Hayes, Yvain - Chretien de Troyes, "Apologia Phonou Akousiou" - Antiphon
¶ listening: "Thru The Eyes Of Ruby" - The Smashing Pumpkins, "Dive" - Nirvana, "The Exhumation Of Virginia Madison" - Strung Out, "Mankind" - Pearl Jam
I had my first Greek class in a long time today. It will be rough. To be honest though, today's translation didn't seem too hard - though I did only finish half of it in about an hour of work tonight.
Back to the day though. It was my first day of graderizing in PHIL-1001. That seems like it'll be pretty damn alright. The class responds to me slightly, and I've garnered myself a modicum of respect through my rapport with Dr. Cogburn. Smooth. I also talked with Dr. Cogburn after class. We discussed what exactly my responsibilites will be and all that fun. His tests haven't changed since I had 1001, which means all he asks for is a statement of a particular argument, and then an evaluation of it. As far as grading the evaluation goes, it's fairly objective: if there's some form of evaluation there, they get full credit for it. My only subjective duty is to determine whether or not they've stated the argument correctly. Despite the fact that an appropriately trained middle schooler could do that, it comforts me to know that I don't have a lot of discretion here.
As I was leaving Dr. Cogburn's office, he told me to go down to the main philosophy office and get my employment paperwork, so I did that, then went and waited for Roman Civ to start.
In Roman Civ, something happened that has never happened before. I found out I have a class wth Robyn. Technically she's not enrolled yet, but she will be before long. I'm not completely sure how I feel about this, but she's certainly less annoying to sit next to than that Lacey-person was. I dread seeing her again tomorrow.
Finally was Vagueness. It was the most godawful hour or so I've ever spent in a college class room. The word 'abhorrent' comes to mind, though I can't quite fit it into a sentence at the moment. Sean is in there, which helps, but it does not nearly salvage the wreckage. The problem is that my fellow students do not philosophize - they make inane observations and then nod knowingly. "The more serious the philosophy class," I said to Sean afterwards, "the less serious the philosophy students."
The two of us went to McDonald's after class. It was alright until the very instant Sean sat down at the table, because at that instant, Jesse Selders busted up in that bitch. Ugh. He's entirely too optimistic about the plight of the individual. I suffered him politely, as did Sean. Sean told me I had humored him, which I disagreed with. I like to think that I was "respecting his autonomy" or what-have-you.
I walked with Sean back to his car after we ditched that loser, and we talked for a long time about Buffy and football rankings, discussions to esoteric to be reproduced for the esteemed segment of my readership which does not include me or Sean.
Back at the dorm, I worked on my translation, read a little about the Sabines, then looked over my employment paperwork. I needed a void check to set up direct deposit, so I drove home to get my checkbook. While there, I received dinner (soup and grilled cheese) from Mom, $20 from Aunt Edria and Uncle Joe, The Complete Handbook of Greek Verbs from the United States Postal Service, and a can of clam chowder from Lauren. I also got my checkbook. All in all, a productive visit.
Back here, I caught most of American Idol, then Angel, which is beginning to get really, really good. Afterwards, I revisited my translation with the CHGV and found it very helpful. And now Nathan's going to bed, which means light's out, no more typing, goodnight.
¶ reading: "Apologia Phonou Akousiou" - Antiphon, The Problems of Philosophy - Bertrand Russell, The Atlas of the Roman World - Tim Cornell & John Matthews
It was the strangest thing. It was 8:30 AM. I was reading about the results of the Iowa caucuses (congratulations, Kerry). I was preparing for my firstday of classes. Then, all of a sudden, the phone rang. I picked it up. "Hello?" I said.
A voice answered, "Is this Ryan Williams?"
"Yes."
"This is Dr. Cogburn."
"Oh. Hi."
"Listen, my Philosoophy 1001 class got capped at 55 students instead of 25, so I was wondering if you'd be interested in grading papers for me in there. It's $5.50 an hour, ten hours a week."
"That sounds excellent," I said. We went on. He clarified the responsibilities, and I accepted. BAM! I'm so psyched.
(There are not a lot of people who would be this excited about grading philosophy papers for little over minimum wage. However, it means I get to quit my shitty old job at EiEL, plus I get to sit in on an extra philosophy class focusing on something I'm relatively interested in: History of Analytics. Everything is so neat)
I'm waiting just a little longer to resign officially from EiEL, because I want to make sure all the girls are back working again so I can say goodbye to them. I'll definitely be missing Jennifer and Andrea and even Amanda a little bit.
I'll get on to describing my classes now. ENGL-2024: Critical Strategies is not nearly as exciting as I was hoping it would be. I read the first two chapters of the text, and it looks alright, but I'm not impressed with my classmates. One of them (a girl named Lacey) just kept talking to me all during the introductory lecture. She made a bunch of not-so-wry comments about the English department, etc. It was wearisome. She's not stupid. She just has no tact, and is so impolite that it's hard for me to even feign interest.
For clarity's sake, I admit to being mean. I am not, however, impolite.
OK, HIST-4125: History of Ancient Israel. I learned that Religious Studies majors are very cliquish. The professor, Dr. Irvine, seems very neat. He's the first professor I've had who I could imagine sleeping with one of his students, so that's kinda cool. Despite the professor being an all around neat guy though, I suspect that the lectures will be dull for some reason. But the readings are interesting. But he suggested that there may be small group work involved. To my ears, that sounds like a threat.
Finally, HNRS-3030: Arthurian Literature. Mrs. Cowan is presiding, my second class with her. Most of the students are a year (or more) behind me, so I'm in the convenient position of not knowing anyone (I say "convenient" because it excuses me from socialization for the first few weeks at least). This class will be very rough. It is reading-intensive. Example: for the last six classes of the semester, we have to have read one book of Lord of the Rings. That's around 200 pages per class meeting. Wild. I'm optimistic, but this class could go rapidly downhill.
After that class, I walked over to the Serv-U-Center and bought a few course packets (I should have waited; I expect Greek will require one as well), then got to work on my first-of-the-semester readings and writings. I wrote a short paper on what literature is, what I expect from it, what I expect from literary criticism, and what I like to read. Then I wrote a couple of paragraphs on Grabbe's distinction between 'naive' and 'critical' history (I love how an excellent, extremely perceptive 10-page paper can be distilled into two paragraphs by a third-year college student who knows nothing at all - slight sarcasm there). Then I ate a burrito and watched some TV.
¶ reading: Texts and Contexts - Steven Lynn, "Are Historians of Ancient Palestine Fellow Creaures - or Different Animals?" - Lester L. Grabbe, Culhwch and Olwen
¶ listening: "Atomic Garden" - Bad Religion, "Where Boys Fear To Tread" - The Smashing Pumpkins, "Jane Says" - Jane's Addiction, "Margaritaville" - Jimmy Buffett, "Smile" - Pearl Jam, "Deny" - Default, "Go" - Pearl Jam, "Weekend Revolution" - 59 Times The Pain, "Very Ape" - Nirvana
¶ watching: "Gilmore Girls," the State of the Union Address
¶ comments:
Blake showed up last night after my post. We chilled and ate Cane's. When I got back, Nathan and I watched an Edwards campaign speech and learned that we more or less agree on things-political.
And now today's top story: Is it just a guy thing that I don't understand to take naps in the middle of the day? That would seriously fuck up my sleep patterns if I did that. Well, whatever works. I spent a long time in silence today, allowing Nathan to sleep through most of it. During that time I read about 100 more pages of LOTR. I also did some Ogre Battle. And wondered how it avails someone to get up early with the intention of sleeping better the following night, if you're just going to sleep through the rest of the day anyway.
At 7, we decided between the two of us that it was time for some reality TV. As always, what I watched is at the bottom of the post, but I really feel like pointing out that "Average Joe 2: Hawaii" is strangely poignant. One of the guys reminds me a lot of Blake, so I'm rooting for him. But anyway, the eight Joes got surprised tonight by the entry of eight male-model-types into the competition. Sadly, I think this Marisa person is just shallow enough to go in for the new entries. It's true that not all the Joes are great guys, but four of them at least really are. All I've seen from the new guys is some fraternizing of the ass-slapping sort and lots of quotes like, "We're gonna blow these guys outta the water," which is not a very original thing to say.
Goddammit.
Anyway. Classes tomorrow. Rocknroll.
¶ reading: The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien
¶ listening: nothing
¶ watching: "American Idol," "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance," "Average Joe 2: Hawaii"
¶ comments:
Bleh. Basically not much happened today. I awoke around 8, but decided to sleep in a bit longer, and finally got up around 11. I had some errands to run, so I went and did them. I spent a grand total of about eight minutes in Cortana Mall, where I headed over to Waldenbooks, bought seven hardback notebooks and then left. On my way back, I stopped at Albertsons on College, and bought a bag of burritos, some deodorant, and a box of trash bags. Booya.
After that, nothing happened. I picked up The Lord of the Rings, and read nearly 200 pages from where I left off last night. I'm basically more or less pretty lame.
I'm setting my alarm for 8 tomorrow, in hopes that getting up early will force me to go to bed early and sleep soundly before the frst day of classes.
¶ reading: The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien
¶ listening: "Old School Pig" - Tilt, "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" - The Smashing Pumpkins, "Lightning Crashes" - Live
I'm back again. Not a hell of a lot happened since I last wrote, so with the exception of one thing, I'll just skip to today.
Here's the one thing. I called Jennifer up on December 28th (I think) and arranged to meet her on the following Tuesday afternoon. Actually, this probably requires a little more prologue. Sean and I had been talking, and he informed me that I had some relatively serious issues with Jennifer that I needed to address. These issues involved my need to blame her for everything that went wrong. The options he enumerated were to either make a list of grievances I felt she had carried out against me and then forgive one of them everyday, or to meet with her and talk it out. The first option was pansified, so I did the second one.
So there we were at CC's on Perkins. It was awful. The coffee was really bad. I babbled and apologized for quite some time, mentioning specific instances of my stupidity (which are none of your goddamn business!) and waited for a reply. "That's alright," she said, "I've learned to let go of the things that don't really matter." Ouch. I could have let loose at that point - but instead, I realized (maybe for the first time) that the only thing I was really in control of was my own reaction. So I let it pass and went on evenly to the topic of what she was studying and enjoying at MIT. Maybe she misspoke. Maybe she was really taking a shot at me. I don't know. What I do know is that I extended a hand of reconciliation to her, and that if she hasn't grown up enough to accept it, there's nothing I can really do about it but go on in a polite and appropriate manner.
That pretty much brings us up to date. Slowly but surely, I've been moving bck into the dorm over the past few days. I completed the move today. My first order of business was to get the computer hooked up, and then look up call numbers for all my new books, and then shelf them. Fun, I swear.
Anyway, since then I've read, watched some TV, listened to music, and gotten all my junk into some semblance of order.
I guess I'll leave off this post with a list of my courses for th upcoming semester:
PHIL-4011 - Special Topics in Logic: Vagueness
CLST-2102 - Roman Civilization
HIST-4125 - History of Ancient Israel
GREK-2066 - Attic Oratory
ENGL-2024 - Critical Strategies
HNRS-3030 - Humanities Colloquium: Arthurian Literature
UNIV-3005 - Boyd Professor Lecture Series
BAM!!!
¶ reading: The Conquest of Gaul - Julius Caesar, The Lord of the Rings - J.R.R. Tolkien, A History of Ancient Israel and Judah - J. Maxwell Miller & John H. Hayes
¶ listening: "Dross" - The Smashing Pumpkins, "It's Been A While" - Staind, "Everlong" - Foo Fighters, "Aneurysm" - Nirvana, "Never Connected" - Union 13, "The Mixology Of Tom Collins" - Less Than Jake, "Hate To Say I Told You So" - The Hives
¶ watching: "Saturday Night Live," "Seinfeld"
¶ comments:
